{"id":97279,"date":"2016-07-05T14:54:16","date_gmt":"2016-07-05T18:54:16","guid":{"rendered":"\/news\/?p=97279"},"modified":"2016-07-05T21:50:02","modified_gmt":"2016-07-06T01:50:02","slug":"raped-19-close-friend-refused-abortion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/raped-19-close-friend-refused-abortion\/","title":{"rendered":"I was raped at 19 by a close friend, but I refused abortion"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

(Save the 1<\/a>)\u00a0At the age of 19,\u00a0I was a very happy,\u00a0vibrant young woman, excited about what the future had in store for me. \u00a0I was a freshman attending college\u00a0in San Antonio,\u00a0excited about meeting new people and swimming on the university\u2019s swim team.\u00a0 However, I had no idea that my freshman year was going to be the worst year of my life.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

October 8th<\/sup>\u00a0is a day I will never\u00a0forget. \u00a0Someone who I thought was\u00a0a really good friend at\u00a0the time, came to visit me at\u00a0college, with plans to hang out and go to dinner. \u00a0What was\u00a0supposed to be a pleasant evening turned into a nightmare. \u00a0On this particular day, all of my friends\u00a0who lived on the same dorm\u00a0floor as me left to go to the college soccer game, including my RA \u2013 Resident Assistant. \u00a0When everybody left, it was just me and my friend.<\/p>\n

As he locked the door to my room and turned on the music loudly, I knew something was seriously wrong. \u00a0At 6:15 pm, the man I thought I knew so well as a friend, revealed himself to be a monster. \u00a0He brutally raped me in my dorm room, punching me in the head, throwing me into the bed post,\u00a0choking me,\u00a0and ultimately raping me with a knife pointed at my ribs. \u00a0I screamed and screamed, but no one came, and he knew no one would be around.<\/p>\n

He told me I was worthless, and threatened to\u00a0kill me if I told anyone\u00a0about his actions. \u00a0He also told me he would rape other women and I wouldn\u2019t be able to stop him, then saying these rapes would be my fault.\u00a0 \u00a0On top of that, he told me that if I got pregnant, he would come and cut the baby out of me.\u00a0 Terrified,\u00a0I didn\u2019t\u00a0report the crime. I believed his threats and I was afraid he would come back and kill me, because I\u2019d already heard that there\u2019s very little justice for rape victims, and I felt hopeless.<\/p>\n

Just\u00a0a few weeks later, on October\u00a027th<\/sup>,\u00a0I\u00a0found out I was pregnant\u00a0from the rape, and of course, I didn\u2019t want anyone to know, for fear that the rapist would find out, then come after me to kill the baby, just as he\u2019d threatened to do.<\/p>\n

When I went to the doctor, I told him what had happened and the first words out of his mouth were, \u201cIt\u2019s still early in the pregnancy, so you still have options.\u201d\u00a0 Options?!!!<\/em><\/p>\n

Having been adopted myself, I told the doctor I wanted to have the baby and place the baby for adoption. \u00a0I felt a very close connection with my birthmom, being the same exact age she was when she had me, and I wanted my child to have a family like I had.\u00a0 The doctor didn\u2019t even let me finish talking and said, \u201cWho is going to want a rapist\u2019s child? \u00a0The child will always remind you of what you have been through. \u00a0It\u2019s still early enough to get an abortion.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0I couldn\u2019t believe what I was hearing! \u00a0This is my child \u2013 a child of God. \u00a0Despite his horrible attempts at fear-mongering, I stormed out of the doctor\u2019s office and didn\u2019t look back.<\/p>\n

The way the doctor reacted threw me into years and years of silence.\u00a0 I thought, \u201cWhat would people think if I told them I was raped and was going to give birth to this child? \u00a0Would they blame me for what happened? \u00a0Would they call my baby a \u2018demon child\u2019?\u201d \u00a0I thought that the only way to protect myself and my child was to not talk about it and pretend it didn’t happen.\u00a0\u00a0In fact, I never even disclosed the rape to the prospective adoptive parents, until just last year, out of fear that what the doctor said would be true \u2013 that they\u2019d change their mind about wanting the baby.<\/p>\n

I was very excited about this new life. \u00a0I knew I could turn this terrible situation into a positive one by giving my baby up for adoption. \u00a0I had already decided to ask one of my friend\u2019s mom if she would be willing to adopt my baby because I was aware that she recently suffered a miscarriage.\u00a0 Sure enough, this couple did want to adopt\u00a0my baby!<\/p>\n

I felt so blessed that God would give me this sweet angel growing inside of me to help me heal. \u00a0I have always considered my child to be my beauty from pain. \u00a0Even though what happened was horrible, a sweet little baby was conceived.<\/p>\n

About a month after learning I was pregnant, I suddenly began experiencing sharp pains and bleeding.\u00a0 Fear came over me that I might lose this baby \u2013 my light in the darkness.\u00a0 One of my friends rushed me to Urgent Care, and they informed me that I was in the process of miscarrying.\u00a0 This news was devastating and I was completely heart broken.<\/p>\n

After that, I became more depressed and more distant from my friends.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t tell any of my friends about my pregnancy or\u00a0the\u00a0miscarriage until two or three years later. \u00a0Thoughts of hurting myself to end the pain engulfed me. \u00a0\u00a0I even called the rapist to scream at him, telling him that I\u2019d become pregnant from the rape, and that the miscarriage was his fault. \u00a0But all he did was blame me more, telling me I miscarried because I would be a bad mom.\u00a0 I felt empowered by having called him, because my voice was heard.<\/p>\n

A week later, God saved me yet again. \u00a0He sent me a message in a dream. \u00a0In my dream, the Virgin Mary came down from Heaven holding a red-haired, blue-eyed baby boy. \u00a0Mary said, \u201cKatie, your child, Michael Jude is safe and loved. \u00a0He is in the hands of God. \u00a0He loves you dearly and so does God. \u00a0Please know that your child is always watching over you, now and forever.\u201d \u00a0The dream gave me so much hope and I truly believe that my child has been with me this whole time. \u00a0Michael has been with me through my panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, and\u00a0constant emotional abuse from my rapist who stalked me for years.<\/p>\n

I have PTSD and depression — not just from the rape, but from the miscarriage. \u00a0I experienced two traumas that mashed together. \u00a0I constantly have nightmares and panic attacks because of both traumas.<\/p>\n

Being adopted myself, I take abortion very seriously. \u00a0After going through this, I feel a very close connection to my birthmother. \u00a0She could have aborted me, but instead she gave me the most beautiful gift — my life! \u00a0I understand what it\u2019s like to lose a child whether\u00a0it\u2019s\u00a0through adoption or miscarriage.<\/p>\n

I hate when people make the rape exception. \u00a0Women are stronger and more resilient than society gives us credit — we don\u2019t need to kill our children to be emotionally healthy. \u00a0Just because I was raped doesn\u2019t mean I can perpetrate violence upon another and take away a life. \u00a0My child is a blessing and I honor him every day by speaking up and telling women abortion is not okay.<\/p>\n

Honestly, if I had had an abortion, my healing process would have been very slow and even more difficult. \u00a0Not only would I be having nightmares about the rape, but I would also be dealing with the guilt of the abortion. \u00a0To help you understand even more \u2013 I want you to know that I would endure the rape\u00a0all over again if I could hold my child alive and see that sweet face.<\/em><\/u><\/p>\n

Even still, Michael Jude has bought me such healing. \u00a0Last year was the first time\u00a0I spoke up about the rape, pregnancy and miscarriage seven\u00a0years ago. \u00a0I reported the crime to the police last year, and I believe all of that was possible to do because of God and my sweet Michael.<\/p>\n

On October 8, 2008 \u2013 the day I was raped, God stayed with me in that room and told me to hold on. \u00a0He calmed me down and helped me survive. \u00a0He saved my life on that horrid day and gave me a beautiful gift — my beloved son.<\/p>\n

I have decided that every year on October 27th<\/sup> \u2013 the date my baby left this Earth, I will send a balloon into heaven with a note to Michael Jude. \u00a0It warms my heart to know God is watching over my precious angel!\u00a0 I know I have a long journey towards healing, but as long as I have God\u2019s love and my child\u00a0watching over me, I can do anything!<\/p>\n

I began to discuss the loss of my child with my therapist, and my desire to somehow connect with other women who had conceived out of rape.\u00a0 My therapist turned to her computer,\u00a0searched the term, \u201cconceived in rape,\u201d and Rebecca Kiessling\u2019s story popped up, with a link to Save the 1<\/a>.\u00a0 I watched the short Save The 1 promo video<\/a> and was amazed to see all of these beautiful people who were conceived in this way, as well as the mothers like me, who became pregnant by rape and love their children.\u00a0 I knew that this was a means for me to honor my son, by advocating for my son\u2019s right to life, and others like him.\u00a0 I\u2019m grateful for what Save The 1 stands for and does for women\u00a0who have experienced this trauma.\u00a0 And now I\u2019m bearing witness to the truth — a child conceived in rape is the mother\u2019s beauty from her pain.<\/p>\n

I love you Michael Jude. \u00a0I hope you know how much I value your life. I honor you!<\/p>\n

Editor’s note: This article originally appeared at Save the 1<\/a>, and is reprinted here with permission.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Save the 1)\u00a0At the age of 19,\u00a0I was a very happy,\u00a0vibrant young woman, excited about what the future had in store for me. \u00a0I was a freshman attending college\u00a0in San Antonio,\u00a0excited about meeting new people and swimming on the university\u2019s swim team.\u00a0 However, I had no idea that my freshman year was going to be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":450,"featured_media":97284,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false},"categories":[7077],"tags":[804,7925,2965,1767,299,9378,7437],"yoast_head":"\nI was raped at 19 by a close friend, but I refused abortion<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"At 19, I was a very happy young woman, excited about the future. 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