{"id":85081,"date":"2016-03-04T14:30:23","date_gmt":"2016-03-04T19:30:23","guid":{"rendered":"\/news\/?p=85081"},"modified":"2017-02-03T18:13:12","modified_gmt":"2017-02-03T23:13:12","slug":"i-used-to-work-at-planned-parenthood-but-an-ultrasound-changed-my-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/i-used-to-work-at-planned-parenthood-but-an-ultrasound-changed-my-life\/","title":{"rendered":"I used to work at Planned Parenthood \u2014 but an ultrasound changed my life"},"content":{"rendered":"
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CHERYL POKED HER HEAD INTO MY OFFICE. \u201cAbby, they need an extra person back in the exam room. Are you free?\u201d<\/p>\n

I looked up from my paperwork, surprised. \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n

Though I\u2019d been with Planned Parenthood for eight years, I had never been called into the exam room to help the medical team during an abortion, and I had no idea why I was needed now. Nurse-practitioners were the ones who assisted in abortions, not the other clinic staff. As director of this clinic in Bryan, Texas, I was able to fill in for any position in a pinch, except, of course, for doctors or nurses performing medical procedures. I had, on a few occasions, agreed at a patient\u2019s request to stay with her and even hold her hand during the procedure, but only when I\u2019d been the counselor who\u2019d worked with her during intake and counseling. That was not the case today. So why did they need me?<\/p>\n

\"Image\"<\/figure>\n

Today\u2019s visiting abortionist had been here at the Bryan clinic only two or three times before. He had a private abortion practice about 100 miles away.<\/p>\n

When I\u2019d talked with him about the job several weeks before, he had explained that at his own facility he did only ultrasound-guided abortions \u2014 the abortion procedure with the least risk of complications for the woman. Because this method allows the doctor to see exactly what is going on inside the uterus, there is less chance of perforating the uterine wall, one of the risks of abortion. I respected that about him. The more that could be done to keep women safe and healthy, the better, as far as I was concerned. However, I\u2019d explained to him that this practice wasn\u2019t the protocol at our clinic. He understood and said he\u2019d follow our typical procedures, though we agreed he\u2019d be free to use ultrasound if he felt a particular situation warranted it.<\/p>\n

To my knowledge, we\u2019d never done ultrasound-guided abortions at our facility. We did abortions only every other Saturday, and the assigned goal from our Planned Parenthood affiliate was to perform 25 to 35 procedures on those days. We liked to wrap them up by around 2 p.m. Our typical procedure took about 10 minutes, but an ultrasound added about five minutes, and when you\u2019re trying to schedule up to 35 abortions in a day, those extra minutes add up.<\/p>\n

\"DefundAd-400b\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I felt a moment\u2019s reluctance outside the exam room. I never liked entering this room during an abortion procedure \u2014 never welcomed what happened behind this door. But since we all had to be ready at any time to pitch in and get the job done, I pushed the door open and stepped in.<\/p>\n

The patient was already sedated, still conscious but groggy, the doctor\u2019s brilliant light beaming down on her. She was in position, the instruments were laid out neatly on the tray next to the doctor, and the nurse-practitioner was positioning the ultrasound machine next to the operating table.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m going to perform an ultrasound-guided abortion on this patient. I need you to hold the ultrasound probe,\u201d the doctor explained.<\/p>\n

As I took the ultrasound probe in hand and adjusted the settings on the machine, I argued with myself, I don\u2019t want to be here. I don\u2019t want to take part in an abortion.\u00a0<\/em>No, wrong attitude \u2014 I needed to psych myself up for this task. I took a deep breath and tried to tune in to the music from the radio playing softly in the background. It\u2019s a good learning experience \u2014 I\u2019ve never seen an ultrasound-guided abortion before, I told myself. Maybe this will help me when I counsel women. I\u2019ll learn firsthand about this safer procedure. Besides, it will be over in just a few minutes.<\/em><\/p>\n

I could not have imagined how the next 10 minutes would shake the foundation of my values and change the course of my life.<\/p>\n

I had occasionally performed diagnostic ultrasounds for clients before. It was one of the services we offered to confirm pregnancies and estimate how far along they were. The familiarity of preparing for an ultrasound soothed my uneasiness at being in this room. I applied the lubricant to the patient\u2019s belly, then maneuvered the ultrasound probe until her uterus was displayed on the screen and adjusted the probe\u2019s position to capture the image of the fetus.<\/p>\n

I was expecting to see what I had seen in past ultrasounds. Usually, depending on how far along the pregnancy was and how the fetus was turned, I\u2019d first see a leg, or the head, or some partial image of the torso, and would need to maneuver a bit to get the best possible image. But this time, the image was complete. I could see the entire, perfect profile of a baby.<\/p>\n

It looks just like Grace at 12 weeks,<\/em> I thought, surprised, remembering my very first peek at my daughter, three years before, snuggled securely inside my womb. The image now before me looked the same, only clearer, sharper. The detail startled me. I could clearly see the profile of the head, both arms, legs, and even tiny fingers and toes. Perfect.<\/p>\n

And just that quickly, the flutter of the warm memory of Grace was replaced with a surge of anxiety. What am I about to see? <\/em>My stomach tightened. I don\u2019t want to watch what is about to happen.<\/em><\/p>\n

I suppose that sounds odd coming from a professional who\u2019d been running a Planned Parenthood clinic for two years, counseling women in crisis, scheduling abortions, reviewing the clinic\u2019s monthly budget reports, hiring and training staff. But odd or not, the simple fact is, I had never been interested in promoting abortion. I\u2019d come to Planned Parenthood eight years before, believing that its purpose was primarily to prevent unwanted pregnancies, thereby reducing the number of abortions. That had certainly been my goal. And I believed that Planned Parenthood saved lives \u2014 the lives of women who, without the services provided by this organization, might resort to some back-alley butcher. All of this sped through my mind as I carefully held the probe in place.<\/p>\n

\u201cThirteen weeks,\u201d I heard the nurse say after taking measurements to determine the fetus\u2019s age.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d the doctor said, looking at me, \u201cjust hold the probe in place during the procedure so I can see what I\u2019m doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

The cool air of the exam room left me feeling chilled. My eyes still glued to the image of this perfectly formed baby, I watched as a new image entered the video screen. The cannula \u2014 a strawshaped instrument attached to the end of the suction tube \u2014 had been inserted into the uterus and was nearing the baby\u2019s side. It looked like an invader on the screen, out of place. Wrong. It just looked wrong.<\/p>\n

My heart sped up. Time slowed. I didn\u2019t want to look, but I didn\u2019t want to stop looking either. I couldn\u2019t not watch. I was horrified, but fascinated at the same time, like a gawker slowing as he drives past some horrific automobile wreck \u2014 not wanting to see a mangled body, but looking all the same.<\/p>\n