{"id":76280,"date":"2015-10-07T17:15:48","date_gmt":"2015-10-07T21:15:48","guid":{"rendered":"\/news\/?p=76280"},"modified":"2015-10-07T16:14:10","modified_gmt":"2015-10-07T20:14:10","slug":"my-god-remembers-my-story-of-rape-and-miscarriage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/my-god-remembers-my-story-of-rape-and-miscarriage\/","title":{"rendered":"My God remembers: My story of rape and miscarriage"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>
\"Becky

Becky Dunlap, age 14<\/p><\/div>\n

When I was 13, my best friend and I\u00a0were inseparable. Her mom had her baby brother when we were in 7th grade and we pretty much “mothered” that little baby boy. I remember meeting him in the hospital the day he was born and his little wrinkled toes and legs were just so precious.\u00a0I have always loved\u00a0babies, from the time I was a\u00a0little girl.<\/p>\n

The summer before 8th grade, my friend went to stay with her dad in another state for a month.\u00a0 One night, I babysat her two brothers\u00a0so her mom and her mom’s live-in boyfriend could go out.\u00a0 Around\u00a0midnight<\/span>\u00a0I started to get worried.\u00a0 I didn’t like the dark, and being only 13, that was a late time at night to still be babysitting. I started counting down the minutes for them to return.<\/p>\n

They finally returned and the boyfriend said he would take me home. \u00a0When we got closer to my house, he sped up and drove past it.\u00a0 I told him he had passed my house and he told me to shut up.\u00a0 By that time, I was screaming and had no idea where we were going.\u00a0 He drove down around winding roads for what seemed like a long time.\u00a0 It was dark and I was terrified.\u00a0 He pulled off the road into a\u00a0gated parking lot surrounded by trees and bushes.\u00a0 I was somewhat aware of where we must be, but I was far from home and disoriented.\u00a0 He began pulling at my clothing, trying to undress me.\u00a0 The more I resisted, the more forceful he became.<\/p>\n

I remember every detail. At the time,\u00a0I wasn’t sure if I was going to live.\u00a0 I sobbed uncontrollably, repeatedly begging\u00a0him to take me home\u00a0and saying\u00a0I didn’t want to have sex with him.\u00a0 He told me to shut up and said\u00a0no one could hear or\u00a0find me out there.\u00a0 I wanted to\u00a0try to get out of the car, but he was violent and I was scared to death.<\/p>\n

After raping\u00a0me, he drove me home while threatening me to never tell anyone. \u00a0When I got home,\u00a0I went to my parents bedroom, stuck my head in the door and said\u00a0\u201cI\u2019m home.\u201d\u00a0 Then I went to my room,\u00a0hid my clothes in the back of my bottom drawer, and went to bed.<\/p>\n

I told only\u00a0my best friend,\u00a0who told her mom. \u00a0Every time the phone rang, I was scared\u00a0it would be my friend’s mom, calling to\u00a0tell my parents.\u00a0 She told me I should tell them, but I didn’t want to, because I didn’t want to ruin my family’s fun summer.<\/p>\n

A couple weeks after being raped, my period was late.\u00a0\u00a0I was concerned I might be pregnant, but I didn\u2019t want to tell my parents. A \u00a0month later, still no period.<\/p>\n

While visiting my grandparents in Pennsylvania, I began bleeding and having stomach pains.\u00a0 I told my mom and friend Crystal I had started my period, but inside I was terrified that\u00a0I was miscarrying.\u00a0 I still wasn\u2019t sure I was pregnant, but\u00a0I knew enough to understand I could get pregnant from rape. \u00a0Over the next night and following day, I continued to have stomach pains and passed large blood clots. After that day, the pain subsided and I bled\u00a0for 14 days straight.\u00a0 I never told a soul.<\/p>\n

On the first day of school that year, I met my English teacher and\u00a0\u00a0knew that day\u00a0that she was someone I could confide in. \u00a0She stood in front of class and said if any of us ever had something that we needed to tell, she\u00a0would help us.\u00a0I felt sick that day — a nervous sick, knowing\u00a0that I might someday be able to tell my secret.<\/p>\n

One day I handed her a folded up piece of paper that said “I need to talk to you sometime.” She called me into the hall that day and I told her everything. She cried, held my hand, listened, and asked me questions.\u00a0 She convinced me that I had to tell my parents, and she called my mom and dad from the school.<\/p>\n

My parents were heartbroken. They quickly pressed charges. Once the rapist\u00a0was arrested, my best friend became very angry and spread\u00a0horrible rumors around school about me.\u00a0 Along with what had happened to me, I was hurting from losing my best friend.<\/p>\n

By the time the trial started, it had been\u00a0nine months since the rape.\u00a0 I remember actually feeling sad for the rapist. \u00a0I thought of how incredibly lost he had to have been to do something so awful to a child.<\/p>\n

The day of trial, he tried to lie to the judge,\u00a0saying he thought I was 16, but the judge got angry and told him he needed to get his story straight.\u00a0 So after talking to his lawyer, he\u00a0admitted to what he did to me and agreed to a plea bargain. \u00a0He ended up serving less than 8 months. \u00a0Looking back, I understand that the prosecutors were wanting to spare me the trauma of a trial, but I think a trial would have been better than knowing he was free in my\u00a0community and that\u00a0he had raped at least one other girl before.<\/p>\n

After I\u00a0started going to counseling in 10th grade,\u00a0I would read my bible and journal to God late into the night. \u00a0He was faithful to me and was very close. \u00a0One night as I was crying out to Him, He\u00a0showed me a vision of Jesus on the cross.\u00a0 I could see the pain and the sacrifice, and for the first time, I felt deep sadness that my sin had nailed Him there.\u00a0 God reminded me that He died for the man who had raped me too.\u00a0 That night, He\u00a0helped me to forgive my offender completely.<\/p>\n

I was eventually able to tell\u00a0my counselor\u00a0about the possibility that I had miscarried after becoming pregnant by rape.\u00a0 I also told one of my church youth leaders, who\u00a0said,\u00a0\u201cBecky you wouldn\u2019t have wanted a baby with that man; it would have been a constant reminder of that monster.\u00a0 God took care of that for you.\u201d\u00a0 Her words deeply wounded my soul because I adored babies. \u00a0After that, I vowed to never tell anyone else about the possible miscarriage, thinking no one else could ever understand.\u00a0 Years later, as a mom to several\u00a0children, I finally talked with my midwife about what had happened — the missed periods, the pain, the blood clots,\u00a0and the prolonged bleeding.\u00a0 She confirmed that what had happened sounded like a\u00a0miscarriage.<\/p>\n

In the years since, I’ve found healing and hope that could have only come from Jesus. Time helps, but doesn’t truly heal — only Jesus’ work in us can heal our wounds.\u00a0 I’ve found Jesus to be a comfort to me when I was hurting, strength to me when I’ve been too weak to go on, light when all I could see was dark, peace when I’m afraid, patience when I try to walk alone.<\/p>\n

\"\"

Today: The Dunlap family<\/p><\/div>\n

Now, at 38 years old, after 25 years, I am finally accepting the loss of my baby and feeling the grief that I never allowed myself to experience. \u00a0The truth is, I long for that child. Though I am at home with my six\u00a0beautiful children today, there isn’t a child who can replace another. I still long for the child who I never got to hold.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it would have been like had\u00a0I carried that baby to term.\u00a0 I\u2019m aware that it would have completely changed my life.\u00a0 I also know without a shadow of a doubt that God created that baby and He would have given me everything I would have needed to love that child.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t think of abortion as an option for rape.\u00a0 Had I chosen\u00a0abortion, I would have introduced a deeper trauma, a greater amount of pain, and more evil on top of an already evil act.\u00a0 Nothing about abortion would have helped my situation.\u00a0 That baby had as much a right to live as I do. Life is precious, and all lives are created and given by God, the giver of life. \u00a0I named my baby\u00a0Zechariah, which in Hebrew means\u00a0\u201cYahweh Remembers.\u201d I take comfort knowing that my God indeed remembers.<\/p>\n

I am deeply grateful for God’s\u00a0love, faithfulness and healing, and\u00a0grateful that He\u00a0doesn’t\u00a0just discard our broken places but instead He brings beauty for ashes and redeems it\u00a0all.<\/p>\n

Becky Dunlap is a wife of 17 years and a stay-at-home mom to six\u00a0children.\u00a0 She blogs at\u00a0The 8 Dunlaps<\/a>\u00a0and\u00a0is a blogger for\u00a0Save The 1<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When I was 13, my best friend and I\u00a0were inseparable. Her mom had her baby brother when we were in 7th grade and we pretty much “mothered” that little baby boy. I remember meeting him in the hospital the day he was born and his little wrinkled toes and legs were just so precious.\u00a0I have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":373,"featured_media":76407,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false},"categories":[2242],"tags":[1767,298,5484,299],"yoast_head":"\nMy God remembers: My story of rape and miscarriage<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\""Had I chosen abortion, I would have introduced a deeper trauma, a greater amount of pain, and more evil on top of an already evil act." ~ Becky Dunlap\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/my-god-remembers-my-story-of-rape-and-miscarriage\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" 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