{"id":65982,"date":"2015-07-06T17:05:46","date_gmt":"2015-07-06T21:05:46","guid":{"rendered":"\/news\/?p=65982"},"modified":"2015-07-11T20:58:38","modified_gmt":"2015-07-12T00:58:38","slug":"life-of-the-week-how-my-unplanned-pregnancy-changed-me-forever","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/life-of-the-week-how-my-unplanned-pregnancy-changed-me-forever\/","title":{"rendered":"Facing an unplanned pregnancy, mother chose life for her ‘miracle’ baby"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

I am not one to reminisce and rehash past events in my life, but how can I not with this one? \u00a0It was the single most life-changing event I\u2019ve known.<\/p>\n

Although I\u2019m within a week of being in my third trimester with our third son, I\u2019m still not a terribly emotional person, except for some things.<\/p>\n

My oldest child is one of those things.<\/p>\n

\"Me,

Me, with all four of my sons now.<\/p><\/div>\n

I was not even a year out of college when I found out I was pregnant with him. (Here\u2019s a snippet about that whirlwind<\/a>)<\/p>\n

My life was not on track. I didn\u2019t have everything figured out. I didn\u2019t even have plans to figure anything out. How about that, huh?! I didn\u2019t even have plans!<\/em><\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t have anyone to worry about or take care of except myself, and I wasn\u2019t even really doing that! I look back on my former self during college years (and even high school) with disgust. The decisions I made were vain, thoughtless and self gratifying. I was working tons but not saving my money. I spent it all on anything I wanted.<\/p>\n

We grow up being told, \u201cchase your dreams! Do what feels<\/strong> good! Have no regrets! Live, laugh, love! Be forever young! You only live once! Live in the moment! Be true to yourself!\u201d<\/p>\n

We are told these terribly clich\u00e9 statements but with no context surrounding them. \u00a0Embarrassingly, some of us even tattoo these stupid mantras onto our own body or hang\/paint the words in our own household. And without wisdom attached, these words encourage reckless behavior and regretful futures in the wisdom-less youth and ignorant adulthood.<\/p>\n

And wisdom-less and ignorant, I certainly was. I was definitely being true to that.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I would hear someone rambling on about their past mistakes and how I should learn and be better, but I didn\u2019t care. I was told repeatedly of my potential for \u201csuccess\u201d and that I had the \u201cMidas Touch\u201d, that I was gifted, that everything I touched moved for me and with me.<\/p>\n

But childishly, I thought to myself, \u201cwhy wouldn\u2019t it?<\/em> \u201c<\/p>\n

Nothing was ever difficult for me. I never had to struggle to do anything well. I excelled at anything I put an ounce of exertion into doing. But an ounce was all I ever exerted. My head was always somewhere else; onto my next self-fulfilling \u201cdream\u201d. I never thought about REALLY putting hard work into my life, focusing on a goal, and delaying my gratification for the bigger picture. I wanted what I wanted. and I got it. I never looked for a bigger picture.<\/p>\n

I look back on myself during those years and shudder.<\/p>\n

But what I do not regret was the choice I made with my husband to love our oldest son.<\/p>\n

\"Lexington,

Lexington, last September<\/p><\/div>\n

There is nothing that I have done in my past that has brought me greater, lasting joy <\/strong>than giving life to my son, and our subsequent children.<\/p>\n

And I say THIS, coming from a girl, who once hated children. All ages. I used to pride myself on a monologue I would frequently give to anyone within earshot about how I believed all newborns were ugly, scrunched-up things, toddlers were all whining, grubby brats, and the ages beyond until teenager-dom were just annoying, obnoxious, and germ-y.<\/p>\n

Bring a baby into the room, and I would roll my eyes and walk away while all the other girls and moms oohed and ahhed over the \u201csweeeeeeet little baaaaabyyyyy cooo coo coooweoifhawkjfawlkjfhalkjfh BARF<\/strong>!!!!!\u201d<\/p>\n

Give me a puppy dog, I always said. Those things are fluffy, cute, and you can put them in a crate overnight with a bowl of food and water. Those things don\u2019t demand any more attention than I\u00a0felt like giving<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Yet I chose our son.<\/p>\n

\"\"

My miracle<\/p><\/div>\n

Not because my religion tells me \u201cABORTION BAAAAD!\u201d but, because thankfully, I listened to science enough to fully acknowledge that the moment one of my eggs is fertilized, it\u2019s not merely a fertilized egg, it\u2019s a HE or a SHE with his\/her own, unique DNA; a human being, separate from me. I at least held that conviction.<\/p>\n

Yet I looked into the mirror at the bridal shop and saw my reflection. I had chosen the simplest of all the dresses. \u00a0I was beyond being able to hide the bump protruding from under the sash. \u00a0And looking at myself, in a\u00a0wedding dress, <\/strong>it looked so wrong.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat stupid bump<\/em><\/a>\u201d I remember thinking. \u201cIt shouldn\u2019t be this way,\u201d I thought.<\/p>\n

Yet it was. \u00a0And it was so right<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

So much more right than the way I thought it should have been.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Three years later, that \u201cstupid bump\u201d says, \u201cI love you, Mom,\u201d with a tiny voice\u00a0every single night,\u00a0as I close the door to his bedroom.<\/p>\n

I look through the crack in the door, and see \u201cthat stupid bump\u201d curled up under the snowy blankets of his queen sized bed and he looks so small, holding his \u201cBaby Lamb\u201d and closing his eyes.<\/p>\n

Tonight,\u00a0as my husband and I kissed him and asked God to bless him,\u00a0he squealed and giggled with his first, genuine excitement, knowing his birthday will come in the morning.<\/p>\n

Getting to witness these simple delights, these very first realizations, understandings, emotions and victories in a human being who was created by God, yet from my husband and I is equal to no other high or rush of endorphins I could possibly imagine. \u00a0And I\u2019ve had lotsa rushes.<\/p>\n

I cry tears of joy to know him, to be in his presence.<\/p>\n

I look at him sometimes and I get flashes of what kind of a person I might be today if I had chosen myself first; my body instead of my son. Those flashes haunt me with images of loneliness and years of empty seeking.<\/p>\n

Lexington has changed me forever. He and our other children are now the recipients of my gifts and talents, my exertions and my love. I shall not be wasted on them, contrary to what my previous lifestyle told me would happen with \u201cbrats\u201d in my life. I have grown ten times the person I was three years ago.<\/p>\n

I dare a fuzzy puppy dog to even attempt stirring that up within me.<\/p>\n

I look at newborns now and I am moved to tears by them. They are each living evidence of a miracle and of true love on earth. \u00a0I sometimes have to pinch myself or bite my lip to keep from tearing up and being obnoxiously emotional when I see a newborn in public.<\/p>\n

\u201cOHHH IT\u2019S MY ALLERGIES! I GET THEM SO BAD!\u201d (We all know that\u2019s a lie now, because of this<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

How wonderful a transformation I have made. \u00a0I\u2019m still transforming, make no doubt about that\u2026 I am still vain and selfish- I mean, this post was mostly about ME, wasn\u2019t it? But I am aware of it now. \u00a0I can change. \u00a0I can be better. \u00a0I thank God for knowing me better than I ever trusted Him to know me- and proving it to me! I thank Him for giving me my husband, for giving us our wild little Lexington.<\/p>\n

Happy Third Birthday, Mister. You are a miracle.<\/p>\n

Editor’s Note: This article was first published on Svellerella <\/a>on June 12, 2012, and is reprinted here with permission of the author.<\/em><\/p>\n

A few previous Life of the Week stories:<\/p>\n