{"id":298366,"date":"2023-09-14T08:45:09","date_gmt":"2023-09-14T13:45:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.liveaction.org\/news\/?p=298366"},"modified":"2023-09-12T21:35:26","modified_gmt":"2023-09-13T02:35:26","slug":"abortion-save-scholarships-guilt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/abortion-save-scholarships-guilt\/","title":{"rendered":"She chose abortion to save her scholarships, and the guilt nearly sidelined her"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

She had just graduated from high school and was visiting family in another town for the summer when LaToya Mathews met an older man with whom she began an intimate relationship. After learning she was pregnant, she underwent an abortion and was plagued by guilt and remorse.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Mathews told Live Action News, \u201cWhen it was confirmed by the nurse that I was indeed pregnant, I just zoned out, I was so shocked. I didn\u2019t know if my boyfriend would marry me, and I didn\u2019t have a great relationship with my mother so I wondered who would help me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The uncertainty about the relationship with her boyfriend and the fear she\u2019d end up on welfare was concerning, but it was the two scholarships<\/a> for tennis and basketball she had been awarded that were the biggest source of conflict for Mathews.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI had just transferred to a new high school that year and was not expecting to be awarded a scholarship, much less two,\u201d Mathews said. \u201cHow could I not take advantage of that? Given all these factors, I thought about having an abortion.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The instant guilt of abortion<\/strong><\/p>\n

She made the appointment, but didn\u2019t know what to expect; she never imagined herself in this situation and hung her head in shame as she waited.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mathews said, \u201cSomewhere inside of me I didn\u2019t feel good about what I was doing. Lying on the table, I noticed jars on the shelves and upon hearing the whine of the suction machine, wondered if my baby would be put in one of the jars.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Later, as she sat in the truck with her boyfriend, she noticed a growing awkwardness between them. Mathews sensed that, since he had grown up in a Christian household, her partner knew what they had done was wrong. Back at her aunt\u2019s house, Mathews sat forlornly on the bed and sobbed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI agonized over what I had done,\u201d Mathews said. \u201cMy boyfriend called and came to pick me up. I wept on his shoulder as he held me.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

For 10 years, Mathews uttered the same plea every night: \u201cLord, please forgive me for what I have done,\u201d as she battled suicidal thoughts and a sharp pain in her stomach that came and went.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mathews said, \u201cI was so disgusted with myself that every time I looked into the mirror, tears would come. The guilt<\/a> threatened to eat me alive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A second pregnancy spurs a pro-life decision<\/b><\/p>\n

While Mathews had just been baptized in May, the same month she\u2019d gotten pregnant, she hadn\u2019t truly built a relationship with Christ. After relocating to another state a year later, Mathews discovered she was pregnant again.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere was no way that this time I was going to abort my baby,\u201d Mathews said. \u201cI was not going to go through that hell again.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

READ: UK model Lisa Snowdon claims she doesn\u2019t regret past abortion\u2026 but says \u2018you never forget\u2019<\/a><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

She married the man who fathered her two babies and began focusing on living a Christ-centered life. She took a job in banking and as she shared the news of her impending motherhood with a co-worker, she felt the crushing weight of guilt.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mathews said, \u201cI broke down in front of my colleague, telling her I didn\u2019t know how I could have another child when I gave up the other. I hadn\u2019t yet fully dealt with my abortion.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When her daughter was born, Mathews\u2019 mother came to help. Struggling with postpartum depression and the lingering shame<\/a> of her abortion, Mathews believed her baby sensed her stress.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy daughter would cry whenever I held her,\u201d Mathews said. \u201cOne day when my husband was out of town, I called him and told him our baby didn\u2019t love me. It was a silly comment, but I was suffering so much inside.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Healing from the pain of abortion<\/b><\/p>\n

She was thrown a lifeline when her pastor presented the book, “<\/span>True Measure of a Woman” by Lisa Bevere, to the women\u2019s ministry in which Mathews was involved. In chapter two of the book, two questions resonated with Mathews: \u201cWhat do you have in your closet that you need to clean out?\u201d and \u201cWhat do you have of value to give?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Mathews said, \u201cI realized that I had so much anger and depression I needed to clean out. But I also felt that I didn\u2019t have much to give. I asked God why He would create me with no purpose or value.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The exercise prompted Mathews to reveal her past abortion to her pastor. He told Mathews God had forgiven her the first time she had prayed.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt was as if I was set free,\u201d Mathews said. \u201cThe stabbing pain in my stomach that had plagued me on and off for years was suddenly gone when I finally accepted God\u2019s free gift of forgiveness.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As she drew closer to God, she knew it was time to let go of her secret shame. Yet when she first shared her testimony at a women\u2019s conference, she quickly ran out of the room as if she had opened Pandora\u2019s box.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mathews said, \u201cSurprisingly, I was approached by women who thanked me for telling my story. Many, like me, had been suffering in silence, not talking publicly about their misery; now, they were inspired to be more open. Their gratitude was confirmation that I did have value.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Today, Mathews offers support to women who have experienced trauma through abortion or sexual assault via online sessions and women\u2019s retreats. She is working on her memoir, \u201cUnveiled Freedom\u201d to help empower other women with histories like hers.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve done a lot of inner work,\u201d Mathews said. \u201cIt\u2019s been hard but necessary. Shame grows in darkness but helping others to know there is healing after abortion gives you strength. Women need to be given permission to grieve and to understand God\u2019s love is ever-present despite our failings.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

She had just graduated from high school and was visiting family in another town for the summer when LaToya Mathews met an older man with whom she began an intimate relationship. After learning she was pregnant, she underwent an abortion and was plagued by guilt and remorse.\u00a0 Mathews told Live Action News, \u201cWhen it was […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":798,"featured_media":298370,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false},"categories":[9455],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nShe chose abortion to save her scholarships. The guilt nearly sidelined her<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"She became pregnant after high school graduation and chose abortion out of fear of losing her scholarships. 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