{"id":283264,"date":"2023-01-13T12:37:19","date_gmt":"2023-01-13T18:37:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.liveaction.org\/news\/?p=283264"},"modified":"2023-01-12T17:57:27","modified_gmt":"2023-01-12T23:57:27","slug":"forgiving-rapist-easier-herself-abortion","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/forgiving-rapist-easier-herself-abortion\/","title":{"rendered":"Woman says forgiving her rapist was easier than forgiving herself for an abortion"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>

Author and speaker Kristan Gray<\/span> wrote about<\/span><\/a> the trauma she experienced after having an abortion as a teenager. Although she\u2019s experienced healing, she still says, \u201cIt\u2019s been over thirty years since I had the abortion and eleven thousand days that I have lived with regret over my decision.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Pressure and Fear of Church Members Finding Out<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gray was 16 when she became pregnant and had the abortion on her 17<\/span>th<\/span> birthday. She and her boyfriend, Brock, both came from Christian families who were heavily involved in the church, and Gray was very religious. Brock\u2019s parents, particularly his mother, were church leaders.<\/span><\/p>\n

When Brock found out that Gray was pregnant, he immediately began pressuring her to abort the baby. He said her pregnancy would make them and their families outcasts in the church and would shame his parents.\u00a0<\/span>Gray recalls:<\/span><\/p>\n

I argued with him that it was a <\/span>baby<\/strong> and how could we <\/span>kill<\/strong> the very life we had created? He debated back with \u201cscientific\u201d and \u201cmedical\u201d phrases that swapped the label of \u201cbaby\u201d to \u201cfetus.\u201d He went on to reason that it was OK to abort \u201cit,\u201d because \u201cit\u201d was just a \u201cmass.\u201d\u2026<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I understood that a baby was not a cancer to be cut out, but he was telling me that at six weeks \u201cold,\u201d the \u201cfetus\u201d was a \u201cmass.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

For every dollar given, 34 more people can be reached with the truth about abortion. Will you join us in this life-saving work as a monthly donor today?<\/i><\/b><\/a><\/p>\n

According to Gray, Brock \u201cpressured me until I gave in.\u201d She says:<\/span><\/p>\n

I believed that all my family members would have been so disappointed in me for getting pregnant before I was married, and I just couldn\u2019t bring myself to tell them\u2026 How could I shame my boyfriend\u2019s family? How could I shame my own family?<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

According to a<\/span> survey of post-abortive women sponsored by CareNet<\/span><\/a>, 43% were attending a church at least monthly at the time of their (or one of their) abortions.<\/span><\/p>\n

A Traumatic, Secret Abortion<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gray and Brock kept the pregnancy a secret from everyone. Brock picked Gray up at school first thing in the morning and took her to the abortion facility.<\/span><\/p>\n

Gray recalls that the abortion workers acted \u201clike I was at their window to order an assembly line burger\u2026.\u201d She describes herself as being like \u201ca sheep being prepared for slaughter.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

During her abortion, Gray saw her aborted baby.<\/span><\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t go into detail about how this happened or describe exactly what she saw, but she says it was something that \u201cno one should <\/span>ever<\/span><\/i>, in any way, see. Not even doctors or nurses themselves should see what was in that room.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She calls her abortion experience \u201cthe worst horror I\u2019d ever experienced in my life.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As Brock drove her home, Gray put her hand on the door handle and thought about jumping from the car. She wanted to die. She says, \u201c[W]hat a temptation it was! If only I could just be gone in the blink of an eye and wake up in heaven with the baby I\u2019d left in pieces back at the clinic.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A Mother Finds Out Too Late<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the following days, Gray continued to struggle with suicidal feelings. Gray\u2019s mother could tell something was wrong. She confronted Gray and asked her what it was that was bothering her so much.\u00a0<\/span>When Gray told her mother about the abortion, it devastated her. Gray says:<\/span><\/p>\n

Her face opened wide with shock, and she hurled herself back hard onto my bed, flailing her arms and feet around, pounding my bed with her fists, and screaming, \u201cNO! NO! NO! NO!\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

She wailed a dreadfully awful cry that I had so longed to let loose from my own heart. It sounded pathetic and deep like it came from the inside of her very bones\u2026<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I know now that her cries were out of sheer agony. My mother hurt for me, and the outrageous and emotional news absolutely overtook her \u2013 spirit, soul, and body.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Brock\u2019s parents learned about the abortion as well after his mother discovered a receipt from the abortion facility while doing laundry. The very people Gray had most wanted to keep her pregnancy a secret from now knew about her abortion.<\/span><\/p>\n

Further Trauma and No Help from Adults<\/strong><\/p>\n

Brock went off to college, and they broke up. Shortly after, Gray became a victim of date rape.<\/span><\/p>\n

Struggling to cope with both the rape and abortion, Gray continued to struggle with suicidal feelings. She says she made \u201ca few private attempts\u201d to kill herself.<\/span><\/p>\n

The rape was extremely traumatic, but it was the abortion that Gray thought she needed help coping with. She made an appointment to talk to the school counselor. When they met, she told him about the abortion and asked for his help.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She\u2019d hoped the counselor would help her. Instead, she recounts, he just told her she would be fine. He didn\u2019t offer to meet with her again or provide any referral to mental health care.<\/span><\/p>\n

Gray says, \u201cThat was the whole extent of the \u2018counseling session\u2019 that I had initiated and so eagerly waited for in hopes of coming away with relief. It would have been more effective if I had taken an Alka-Seltzer.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Gray turned to alcohol to cope and developed an eating disorder. She says, \u201cJust when I felt like I was forgetting about what had happened, I\u2019d notice another baby in a store or on television or someone would talk about something that would trigger the memory of what had happened.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Taking Steps Toward Healing<\/strong><\/p>\n

Gray attended a religious college, and through her faith, prayer, and studying the Bible, she began to heal. As she worked through her past, she said that forgiving her rapist was easier than forgiving herself for the abortion. She says, \u201cChoosing to forgive <\/span>myself<\/span><\/i> was a difficult and weighty task\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She now says:<\/span><\/p>\n

There is little social support for women who find abortion a stressful experience. There is no validation for her grief and anger. From pro-choice groups, she may be told, \u201cIt\u2019s your body, and it was your decision. It was just a piece of tissue, and there is no reason to feel bad.”\u00a0<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Source: Kristan Gray<\/span> No One Could Know<\/span><\/i><\/a> (Bloomington, Indiana: WestBow Press, 2013) Kindle Edition<\/span><\/h5>\n
\u00a0\"Walgreens<\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Author and speaker Kristan Gray wrote about the trauma she experienced after having an abortion as a teenager. Although she\u2019s experienced healing, she still says, \u201cIt\u2019s been over thirty years since I had the abortion and eleven thousand days that I have lived with regret over my decision.\u201d Pressure and Fear of Church Members Finding […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":153,"featured_media":187825,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false},"categories":[9455],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nWoman says forgiving her rapist was easier than forgiving herself for an abortion<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"A counselor she visited for help told her she would be fine, and dismissed her. 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