{"id":161617,"date":"2017-02-01T08:16:25","date_gmt":"2017-02-01T13:16:25","guid":{"rendered":"\/news\/?p=161617"},"modified":"2017-02-01T08:16:35","modified_gmt":"2017-02-01T13:16:35","slug":"during-my-abortion-turned-screen-away-i-couldnt-see-my-baby","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/archive.liveaction.org\/news\/during-my-abortion-turned-screen-away-i-couldnt-see-my-baby\/","title":{"rendered":"During my abortion they ‘turned the screen away so I couldn\u2019t see my baby’"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>
\n

Years before my son, I chose abortion. It was my choice. Maybe because of where I was at in life. Maybe because I was too ashamed to carry a child at the time. Maybe because I didn\u2019t know more. I wish I had known more.<\/p>\n<\/header>\n

\n

\u00a0I knew I wanted abortion, but even more I knew it was wrong. I knew the thought of it made my stomach sick. I knew I didn\u2019t want anyone to know. I knew I was scared. And I was too paralyzed with fear to run from what my heart was telling me not to do.<\/p>\n

When I was pregnant for the first time they didn\u2019t call my baby a baby. They called my baby a fetus. They told me I\u2019d receive counseling but all they did was give me a paper to check off boxes asking if this was my choice and if I was raped. They turned the screen away so I couldn\u2019t see my baby in womb. So I couldn\u2019t see my baby\u2019s beating heart. They did everything possible to disconnect my \u00a0mind to the fact that I was carrying a baby. A human. My child. As they continually said this is a fetus. Fetus. Not life. Fetus. Fetus. Fetus. Fetus. Fetus\u2026<\/p>\n

When I was pregnant for the second time they congratulated me right away. As my sons small body showed up on that screen, she pointed to him and called him my baby. \u201cThere\u2019s your baby. There\u2019s your baby\u2019s heart.\u201d The same gestational age as my first baby. And I cried. She smiled. She patted my leg.<\/p>\n

She didn\u2019t know my thoughts immediately rushed to my first baby. That this is what my first baby in womb looked like, but I didn\u2019t get to see. I didn\u2019t get to see my first baby squirm around the way my son was on the screen. I cried not only because I was happy for my second child, but because I was sad for my first child. Because I wanted abortion, I took my first baby\u2019s life. Because I was born, because I can talk and breathe air and because you can visibly see me in front of your face, I had the right to take my first baby\u2019s life away. That is my right.<\/p>\n

When we want our baby in womb then it is a baby. We call it a baby from the start and the doctors call it our baby and send us off with \u201cwhat to expect\u201d books and a million congratulations. We have baby showers and we buy pinks or blues and everyone around us is in celebration, too.<\/p>\n

But when we don\u2019t want that child..<\/p>\n

There is a disconnect with abortion. When we want an abortion it is only a fetus. It is not yet life. And we totally support abortion because the baby on that screen doesn\u2019t fully look like a baby yet. We are repeatedly told that it is not yet life and the doctors at the clinic drill it into our minds that it is only a fetus and send us on our way with antibiotics and a paper with our signature that signed life away. You know, sometimes in the quiet we wonder what if we never signed that life away.<\/p>\n

When abortion comes there\u2019s no congratulations. There\u2019s no happy at the end of the day. When abortion comes so does the dark. The innocence once felt in soul disintegrates, because abortion came. \u00a0They say there will come relief but it\u2019s been all this time and I\u2019m still trying to catch my breath.<\/p>\n

For so long I couldn\u2019t move forward like they said I would. I\u2019ve let the silence overcome me and I\u2019ve wished and prayed and begged to go back to that day. To run out of those doors but instead I stayed. Room full of women waiting for the same thing, we all stayed. I believe in healing and believe me I\u2019m healed, but it didn\u2019t come easily. I ran and I screamed, cried and fought, forgave and released. There will never be a day where I will say I\u2019m proud. I\u2019ll never live without regret.<\/p>\n

And so here I stand, on the other side of it all. I see people scream for their right to choose. I see people joke about it being our human right to \u201ckill fetuses\u201d because it\u2019s our body. I look at my son and I\u2019m so glad he made it. I\u2019m so glad for his life. I\u2019m so glad his mama values life today. I look at my son with joy, yet I\u2019m burdened. For the ones who didn\u2019t get the chance to make it, to choose for themselves because their life isn\u2019t viewed as valuable unless they are wanted. I stand on the other side wishing the world knew.<\/p>\n

Oh babies, you are loved. Your lives still matter. You aren\u2019t forgotten.<\/p>\n

Editor’s Note: This article was first published<\/a> at An Evangelist’s Wife<\/a> on November 9, 2016, and is reprinted here with permission.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Years before my son, I chose abortion. It was my choice. Maybe because of where I was at in life. Maybe because I was too ashamed to carry a child at the time. Maybe because I didn\u2019t know more. I wish I had known more. \u00a0I knew I wanted abortion, but even more I knew […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":489,"featured_media":161618,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false},"categories":[7077,9459],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nDuring my abortion they 'turned the screen away so I couldn\u2019t see my baby'<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\""I\u2019ve wished and prayed and begged to go back to that day. To run out of those doors but instead I stayed. 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